The recent tragic death by suicide of Bar Asraf at the grave of his murdered girlfriend, Liron Barda, was a profound blow to Israeli hearts and psyches.
It confronted us once again with the ongoing suffering that flows beneath all our heralded resilience.
Reading one particular quote from Asraf’s sister, Lihi, pierced my soul and would not let go:
“We were at my brother’s wedding. He apparently started to feel lonely. You couldn’t tell. He was always happy and laughing.”
He felt lonely. No one could tell.
A large and important study of online mental health support, conducted by the University of Haifa and Ben-Gurion University, analyzed real-time helpline data following the October 7 massacre.
It found that, over time, expressions of suicidality and depression decreased, while loneliness became a dominant concern – especially among women and younger users of the service.
What is loneliness? Language struggles to express its pain.
Loneliness can come from having too few social contacts – what we might call social isolation. But, as we see with Asraf, a person can be surrounded by family and friends and still experience a profound sense of loneliness.
It is the exquisitely painful feeling of disconnection.
It can feel like emptiness or hollowness within, as if something is missing. It is feeling unseen or misunderstood, as though no one can really know what you are experiencing. It is feeling like an outsider, even among friends.
Sometimes loneliness is experienced physically: a heaviness in the chest, a lump in the throat, restlessness.
Sometimes it is the profound feeling of missing someone specific, or simply missing the feeling of being close to someone.
Like physical pain, loneliness is a warning that something is wrong.
Loneliness tells us that an emotional need is not being met, much as hunger tells us that a physical need is not being met.
So loneliness is a symptom.
But it is also a risk factor – for physical as well as psychological disorders.
Loneliness shortens lives.
The relationship between loneliness and mental illness is bidirectional. Loneliness can precede some disorders, especially depression.
But depression, anxiety, and other conditions can also cause people to withdraw, interpret social interactions more negatively, and feel even more alone.
People with chronic mental illness, or those who are neurodivergent – on the autism spectrum, for example, or with ADHD – may experience significant loneliness because they feel they don’t “fit.”
Social and communication difficulties can generate a sense of isolation even when someone appears socially active. Relationships may exist, yet still feel effortful or performative, or even unsafe.
What can be done?
The news of Asraf’s death was followed by a media focus on Israel’s “mental health issues.”
But that phrase encompasses an enormous range of conditions and experiences: neurodivergence and psychosis, acute and chronic illness, anxiety and depression, and trauma-related symptoms.
As disparate as these issues are, they nevertheless share a through-line – an experience so common that its power is often underestimated: loneliness.
What can we do? We, mental health professionals, can begin by focusing more attention on our patients’ experiences of loneliness, recognizing that it transcends diagnostic categories.
And for the rest of us, please remember this: hunger is a signal to act. It tells us to find food. Loneliness is a signal to act, too.
If you are lonely, tell someone. Don’t wait until you have the right words. Don’t assume that no one wants to hear.
And if you suspect someone else is lonely, don’t wait for them to tell you. Call. Visit. Invite them for coffee. Ask the question one more time, and stay long enough to hear the real answer.
Because loneliness is often invisible.
Bar Asraf was at his brother’s wedding. He was surrounded by people who loved him. He was happy. He was laughing.
No one could tell.
That is why we have to look.
The writer is a psychologist with the Tikva Helpline, available 24/7 at 074-775-1433, and podcast host of The Van Leer Institute Series on Ideas.