After the intensity of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we leave our comfortable homes and sit together in a temporary structure. We invite guests into our sukkah, eat together, and celebrate as a community.
Another powerful message of Sukkot, especially relevant at this time, is unity. Except for Shabbat, every morning of Sukkot we will take the Four Species, lulav (palm branch), etrog (citron), hadassim (myrtle), and aravot (willow), and bring them together as one. Each species is very different from the others, yet the mitzvah requires us to bring them together and hold them as a single unit.
The Midrash in Vayikra Rabbah famously explains that the Four Species represent different types of Jews. And what does God do with these very different people? The Midrash answers: “Bind them all together into one grouping.” Only when they are joined together is there a complete community. (Vayikra Rabbah 30:12).
We don’t seek uniformity; quite the opposite. The four species retain their individual characteristics. The lesson is that different people can contribute different things and still belong to one unit.
There is an almost identical message embedded in the prayers of the High Holy Days. During each prayer on both Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we pray, V’ya’asu kulam agudah achat, la’asot retzoncha b’levav shalem (“May they all form one united group, to do Your will with a complete heart”). As we begin a new year, we don’t pray only for our individual success but that people will come together.
The lesson here not only applies to the Jewish people as a whole but also to our families.
Children helping parents navigate increasingly complicated world
Over the years, I have received many calls from adult children who are trying to help elderly parents. Sometimes the parents are still completely independent. Sometimes they need assistance with finances, medical appointments, banking, investments, or simply navigating an increasingly complicated world.
The situation can become even more complicated when the children live in different countries. One sibling may live in Israel while another lives in New York, Los Angeles, or London. A son or daughter may be handling the day-to-day physical responsibilities of caring for the parent while someone else may be handling financial matters from thousands of miles away.
And this is where family unity can become difficult. The sibling who lives nearby may feel, “I’m the one who has to take Mom to the doctor, pay the bills, deal with the paperwork, and speak to the bank. You can’t make decisions from 5,000 miles away.”
The sibling living abroad may respond, “I’m trying to help. I want to make sure the money is being managed properly. I have a right to be involved.” Both may be acting out of genuine concern, but that does not automatically produce agreement.
Unity does not mean uniformity
The four species provide an important model. Unity does not mean uniformity.
The etrog doesn’t have to become a willow, and the willow doesn’t have to become an etrog. Each has its own role. Similarly, siblings don’t have to contribute in exactly the same way. One may be good at handling investments; another may have more time to deal with medical issues. One may live close enough to take the parent shopping or accompany them to appointments; another may have strong organizational skills and be able to handle paperwork, insurance, or communication with professionals.
Instead of asking, “Why isn’t everyone doing what I am doing?” the better question may be, “What can each of us contribute?”
This idea fits beautifully with the teaching of the Meshech Chochma on the mitzvah of honoring parents. Commenting on the commandment in Deuteronomy, “Honor your father and your mother as the Lord your God has commanded you,” Rabbi Meir Simcha of Dvinsk explains that the obligation to honor parents exists even when the child did not necessarily receive everything from the parent that might otherwise appear to justify such repayment. Ultimately, the obligation goes deeper than a simple accounting of who did what for whom. The relationship between parent and child carries an inherent responsibility.
There is no “one size fits all” solution, but there are some basic principles that can help. Communicate before there is a crisis. Don’t wait until a parent is hospitalized or unable to manage finances before deciding who is responsible for what. Divide responsibilities according to ability, not ego.
The information in this article reflects the writer’s opinion and not necessarily that of Portfolio Resources Group Inc. or affiliates.
The writer is author of Retirement GPS: How to Navigate Your Way to A Secure Financial Future with Global Investing and a licensed financial professional in the US and Israel. For more information: (02) 624-0995, www.aaronkatsman.com, aaron@lighthousecapital.co.il.